Its amazing the pressure that society puts on single ladies and newly wed couples. I find it very pointless, so I decided to write about it. It is unnecessarily draining and needs to stop. It really has to.
If a guy that loves you and you love back is ready for the alter when you are 21, by all means, follow him, but since when did marriage have an age tag to it that people start to intently look at you at a certain point in your life? On twitter the other day, someone was pitying a 30 year old lady for not being married. I couldn’t understand it. It’s not like she comes to beg for food from you, or that she’s constantly hounding you for money to buy fuel to put in her generator. So what is it? Ki lo fa pity?
It is ridiculous to the point that churches even have special deliverance programmes for “marital delay” Sigh!!! What does that even mean? If you are 30 and own a car, but no husband, they give you a suspicious “eye”. Even police officers will talk to you with such disrespect seeing that there’s no ring on your finger – heisss, wind down that glass there. Does marriage define how good you are doing for your age? I am confused here.
See I have advice. Probing and poke nosing never stops. Never. Ask even the 80 year olds. So don’t ever feel pressured by anyone. They will pressure you to get married, pressure you to have a kid, pressure you to have the second kid, and then abuse you if for instance they feel you are not parenting well. So. DO NOT GIVE IN. Believe me it is never going to stop if that’s the way things first began. At whatever age you find love, go for it. Don’t be boxed into a corner. You will end up living in more misery than you previously thought you were living in. In my opinion, most people who are pressured into marriage because of age end up marrying some fellow that may actually be a good person, but not necessarily the best for them.
As for newly wed couples, first of all, maybe hopefully we can eliminate the pressure they get from friends, since the one from older folks might take slightly longer to go away. If you are fond of doing this you need to stop. You have NO RIGHT, after your friend’s wedding to say random stuff like so when will you drop the first one, hmmmm, do I see a tiny baby bump? hurry up o, one year don pass o..and bla bla bla, all in the name of jokingly or seriously trying to find out if they have conceived. Is it your business? You don’t know for sure if the couple are actually trying to have a baby and there’s a slight delay. So added to possible pressure from parents and in laws, you pile yours, knowingly or unknowingly. And you are supposed to be a friend…
As I said earlier, poke nosing never stops. If you have a baby within 9 months, they will still gossip about chances that you were pregnant just before marriage, so again, NEVER GIVE IN.
If they are pregnant and you are their friend, they will tell you. And if they don’t, please move on. No matter how you try, you can’t hide pregnancy. At some point it will show. So wait. If you want to rock a baby so badly, go and have yours. Or go to a motherless babies home and volunteer your services.
Except people specifically come to you, worried about not being able to conceive, don’t pressure them in any form. For sanity sometimes, couples cut ties with parents and in laws, which leads into an everlasting family feud. But who can blame them? How can people not understand in this day and age that not being able to conceive is not a disease. God is the giver of children. Why can’t couples be allowed to decide within their marriage when they are ready to start having kids? Why must it be said on the wedding day that “in 9 months time we will come and rejoice with you again?” Do you know what plans they both have, or are you just looking for an excuse to come and chop rice again?
I know educated people who say not having kids within the first year of marriage is a bad sign, and I honestly just laugh. Believe me, it is foolishness, and they obviously don’t know it. So I guess I will keep praying that the scales fall from their eyes, and that their eyes be open.
11 Comments Add yours
‘ki lo fa pity’- that got me laughing any ways, I think the life we live in is in stages. Just as a child is born and is expected to show various growth signs at certain ages is d way it’s expected that as we adults grow we show perceived growth signs relative to these stages. However the mistake we make is helping people label their growth stages. And once they don’t attain that ‘goal’ at that age den we start probing. In some instances, it might be okay. For me I guess it’s okay I get married, and months later my best friend asks me wats happening (am sure Ild do same). But I’d say it’s a norm thats passed dwn generations and really no one is to be blamed..
A very big amen to that prayer about the scales falling off! The worse part is that most people who pretend to be joking or genuinly concerend are just being NOSY!
my friend has done it again! Thanks for the 411.
This is just the truth. All my single ladies don’t let the pressure get to you o. When you are facing issues in your marriage the same people will still talk. The pressure on the newly weds is even the worse, not like anyone will help you carry belle for 9months and face all that comes with it, they won’t contribute to schoolfees or up keep of the child.mchweeeee. Abeg no listen to anybody just follow your heart as God guides you. ‘LET THEM SAY’😛
Great thoughts and aptly written. Just as you rightly pointed, the pressure isn’t about to end. More often that not, we will not be able to stop the mouthing but we can sure avoid putting ourselves under any form of pressure. There are no fast and hard rules to life. What is good for one may not be for another. Those that compare themselves with another are certainly not wise. Thanks for this piece
Wooow..ohhh..wooow.. This was just what I was thinking about two weeks ago… what is it exactly? If you fall into the wrong hands now, these same people will tell you to carry your cross.. Please babes, go after love whenever and wherever you find it.. Be patient and enjoy your life always! God created you whole so you don’t need anyone to be complete.. in fact, you need to be complete to make the best of any relationship or marriage…
Dearest Tope, well said.. very much on point! God bless you!
Abi oh! The command “be fruitful and multiply” transcends contributing your own quota to the world’s ever-increasing population. It’s just more than having children.
We all need to appreciate the possibility of a couple not wanting children at all.
Gone are the days when a marriage was defined as “blessed” by the number of children the husband and wife bear.
Again pikin na pikin. Boy or girl. I’m usually appalled when I hear stories of women being abused verbally and physically for not “producing” male child(ren). That’s story for another day shey?
BTW, abeg single lady don’t let family and friends and society pressurize you into getting married. They won’t live in the hell you might end up in with you, take your time biko.
It felt so good reading this. yes indeed the bible says “be fruitful and multiply” but I don’t recall seeing any specific time or age added to it. Pressure is the worst thing on earth and if u allow yourself to get caught up is its whirlwind it will consume every part of you and before you know it you will be living your life under decisions made for you by those who care less. Let’s be honest these people just want to eat rice, moi moi, plantain and salad and they would still gossip that the food is not sweet. Sighh I tire o. They would simply push you in and gladly push you out.
Reblogged this on Spiffytom's Blog and commented:
Personally, I posit that it’s a redundant mentality Peeps from this end of the world carry. In the U.S, there are lots of Naija peeps (m ‘n’ f) in their early thirties who don’t give a heck about marriage because “work” to them, is priority. Here in 9ja, you live a ‘life of circles’; there’s an age bracket attached to every iota of achievement pursued (from birth till death). It’s a Mentality that needs to be flushed.
Personally, I posit that it’s a redundant mentality Peeps from this end of the world carry. In the U.S, there are lots of Naija peeps (m ‘n’ f) in their early thirties who don’t give a heck about marriage because “work” to them, is priority. Here in 9ja, you live a ‘life of circles’; there’s an age bracket attached to every iota of achievement pursued (from birth till death). It’s a Mentality that needs to be flushed. Exclusively Eclectic !!
Rightly said…people really do need to know that there are just things you cannot control…age has nothing to do with anything..live your life…don’t worry about people because they will always talk…