I look at her across the room, and I can feel the pity pour into my eyes, I shake my head to clear it. Is there something I am missing? Why has she chosen to sail on this ship? A crescent shaped ship never goes anywhere even when blown by the most fortuitous of winds; it only spins in a circle like a dog chasing its tail.
I was socially inept, preferring instead to reside in the dark corridors of my mind, unglamorous and down to earth. She on the other hand flitted with the privileged, the beautiful ones who had been born.
These days, the darkness in my head was compounded by a haze that got me lost in the maze of my mind. A haze seemed to be slowly seeping into my world, my black and whites slowly faded to grey, my boundaries obscured by a logical rationalizing.
She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen; skin as soft as velvet, a lilting laughter starting from the back of her throat, the memory of which has me smiling even as I write these lines. Her eyes lighting up, reminding me of the glee that fills a 3 year old on her first sight of rainbow colored butterflies. Her skinny arms wrapping around me enthusiastically as she kisses my face. But she is blind, blind to my greyness, unseeing of my faults. Her friends however seem to see me clearly. I see the disapproval in their eyes, the polite smiles and limp handshakes I receive. I am the outsider who brings the bleariness of the world with him. It is in my eyes, my steps, I am sure it smells on my clothes.
It is not new to me, I grew up seeing those glass eyed stares and the airy smiles that carried a haughtiness with it, silently telling me I was only a commoner. Initially, it would get me down, but instead of staying down, I did a drop and roll, bouncing back up building my own aloofness on the foundation of the silent disregard I was subjected to. Silently sharing the same space but retreating into my head where it was noisy with lots of color and a 24 band circus imagination behind the wheels.
With this I built myself into an enigma, choosing to live above the treacherous undercurrents that threatened to drag me under and have me reconsider my existence.
I became an enigma, walking with my head held high, my spine straight, looking everyone in the eye. Smiling graciously at anyone I encountered, belying the simple clothes on my back, causing them to wonder. My penny worth suit and spit and shine shoes worn as though by a prince – because I chose to be one, refusing to be put in “my place”, I only got to make that decision. I could see the discomfort in their eyes, in their loud empty laughter and their empty back pats.
But maybe I am special after all, maybe I am the key to the matrix!!! Or something less dramatic like…the future president of the world☺, and like Leo my fortunes would be transformed in one minute by choosing the proverbial red pill. Maybe in my coma induced world, there was something waiting for me she saw that I didn’t see. Whatever the case, her belief in me, made me. It wakes me up every morning and makes me do my best, transforming me into the man I know I can be. Even if doing my best sometimes makes me do my “dog-chasing-tail-routine”, it is my best and it counts for something in the general scheme of things. Today and for the rest of my life I have made 3 decisions; to love her like no other woman has ever been loved, to care for her to the best of my ability, and to put her needs first over mine.
Suddenly I realise, she is my RED PILL, and I took it from the moment I laid eyes on her and could not resist saying hello. Here I am, once again, like Leo, prepared for the crazy ride that follows.