If you didn’t know, can I just be the first to let you know that rape can happen even within the confines of marriage. Rape is sexual intercourse or any other penetration of the vagina, mouth or anus, WITHOUT consent. It can be with or without force. The end. No need to analyse or run commentary. Now you know, so ask yourself, AM I A RAPIST?

This story was shared with me last night, And I want to let the writer know that I stand with her and I am sending love and light. One thing that’s consistent with rape stories I’ve heard is that feeling of emptiness and deadness of the soul all of a sudden after it all. No one should ever have to feel that way. Before you read, let me just let you know that I will delete comments that reduce rape to what she was wearing, what she was doing there and other such ignorant talk. The 12 year old that was raped last week was underaged and fully clothed. Focus please. That a naked girl parades your street is NOT reason AT ALL for her to be raped. What kind of upside down thinking do some of you have though?

I love…loved him.

I hate…hated him…

The thin line between love and hate.

Was it rape?

Can your boyfriend actually rape you? No…yes…no…but yes, I didn’t want to, I hated him so much at that moment. But no, I loved him so much, I didn’t want to scream out loud for people in the next room to hear and think he was an animal. After all, he was the love of my life, my first and only. I gave excuses, he pounded me hard without remorse because he was angry. You see, we had been fighting. He loves me. I know he does. I think he does…does he?

Tell me what you think.

It was a normal day in school, exams were around the corner, everyone was reading in their spot till crazy hours of the morning. Perfect time for the nerds to show themselves, talk to the fine girls, breakdown dy/dx and hopefully get some sex? no? oh well, at least they tried. Next semester, maybe?

So I was in a class. You see, I’m a nerd, and my lover was out drinking. Hey…good girls like bad boys…don’t judge.

I get a phone call from the lover. Long story short, he assumed I was cheating from a flimsy conversation at the bar. Hello, I wish I could cheat, I lived him, I breathed him, I woke and slept him. I ate him, (and swallowed).

But no, that could never be enough.

So here’s me leaving class at some dead hour in the morning, wanting to sleep and I run into him, fight starts, in public! The worst kind.

We go off somewhere quiet and I get mad, but you see I’m the quiet kinda mad. I just start walking off into nothingness. He yells my name and catches up with me, I start kicking, rolling on the road and screaming. Don’t mess with the quiet ones, they can really go cray cray…I’m biting and screaming, I just want to explode. You see this anger has been building up for a while. But hey, my boo is tall and strong, he lifts me up in one swoop over his shoulder like a sack of feathers, effortlessly I might add. (swoon…no?)

We get into the house, everyone looks and forms reading, couple’s quibble. Takes me to the room, and starts “reasoning” with me quietly. I play dead. You know how they tell u play dead and the bear will go away. It’s a lie.

This bear didn’t go no where, he started to touch me, I’m there fighting so hard, but trying not to scream, hey he is my boo, my friend and my lover, this is just anger. He will stop, I know he will, I think he will..but..but he’s hurting me.

My wrists hurt cos he’s pinned me down. My thighs hurt cos I’ve been struggling to keep them shut against his knee thats jarring them apart. Does he think this is S&M? We have been adventurous but never to that realm. I start to cry, so we all have it on the same page that I’m not enjoying this.

He muffles my sobs with a pillow. I know I’m in for it. But he loves me, no? my boo, my friend and my lover. Like a magic wand, everywhere he touches me turns from pleasure spots to hate spots. And then he shoves his penis into me and pounds his anger and frustration into me, not asking if I wanted it or how I wanted it. My lover always asked, always wanted to know if I was ready, if I was wet enough, if I wanted to ride it, or take it all in.

But alas, this was a stranger, forcing his way into my space, messing with my head, and destroying all my happy memories. Who is this man, this familiar breath and skin has suddenly turned to my enemy. I can’t breathe, I lie in silence, dead to the world, dead to my soul, dead to every touch. Who will save me, who will believe me. That I didn’t want it this one time, after all we have been at it like energiser bunnies for three years. Never once slowing down. He finishes and I lie in darkness and hear him snore. I’m still pinned down, drowning in my sorrow. I wanted to die, is this a night mare? Will this pain in my soul ever disappear? Do you believe me?

My boo, my friend and lover failed me…my lover raped me. No, a stranger raped me. My lover became a stranger for one night and forever.

Photo stolen from the internet.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. enajyte says:

    I can’t even. I really just can’t. sigh

  2. As heartbreaking as this is, is wonderful that you are sharing it. Thank you.

  3. Tom says:

    The effect of rape is like that of a cracked egg that can’t be glued overtime.

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